Are You Wearing a Girdle?

For the years I was obese I was always on the hunt for a magic undergarment that would instantly take me from a size 18 to a size 2. I bought belly tamers, thigh thinners, corsets, knee to neck numbers, you name it I tried it.

Each and every year I was faced with the inevitable Christmas Party dress shopping expedition, which always led to further undergarment purchases, until I saw an infomercial for Spanx! I drank the Spanx kool-aid on the rocks with a delusional chaser. Off I went to the mall and found a very frank sales person who asked me two very important questions. "Do you want to gently smooth out your lumps?" or "Do you want to suck your lumps in?"  My response of course was "Lady, I want these lumps sucked into my chest cavity, I am willing to sacrifice a lung if I can squeeze some of this belly fat into its place." Now I dare you to try to squeeze yourself into one of those full-body numbers and watch as all your lumpy bits just ooze out the top and give you a nice back roll or worse squeeze out the bottom and give you a second set of ass cheeks. It's very good for your self-esteem. If you can do it in a 3 x 3 change room under florescent lights in front of a full length mirror, even better!

I never found my magic undergarment, but I did manage to make a trip to the bathroom the most difficult experience ever! I loved having to strip down to my birthday suit because my slimming unitard didn't have a access hatch, if you get my drift. This is especially wonderful in a public restroom. I'd rather have a jiggly belly any day than have to explain my back-boobs and double-bum or be accused of lewd acts in a public restroom (no offense George Michael) because I've thrown my party dress over the door as I attempt a Cirque de Soleil routine in the bathroom stall.

...oh looks its October almost time to start dress shopping.